Finding my mind
Loosing my mind was a comparatively quick accomplishment. Gaining it back, however, was a rather stony road. I had just turned eighteen when I lost it. It felt as though my head had opened for my brain just to tumble out. Up until this day I still can’t say for sure why it fell out in the first place. Maybe it was the rape. Rape is not the greatest way of achieving a sound mind. It had cracked my identity in two. That’s how I felt, literally broken. And old.
So, I had lost it. My mind out there somewhere playing twister. The binge eating, the voices, the paranoia. They had taken over. Self-hatred had taken centre stage. How to find something that is vital in gaining it back? Can you go out looking for a heart if your heart is gone in an attack? My mind was gone and I had to go out and look for it. Or so I thought. In fact, the last remnants of it I tried hard to loose as well. Drink does a good job at that.
In therapy sessions we were looking at my soul. It seemed alive, if not well. The soul was there, shouting:” I am bruised!” Or “Everything is hurting.” Or “Stop pestering me.” My mind meanwhile had not been found. Out there playing twister or double dutch. Probably having a jolly good time while my heart, my soul and I went out looking for this bugger! I believe I can pin point the exact moment I found it.
On the bottom of the English sea, in Brighton. Many years later. Many many years, in which my heart and soul had wanted so bad to give up. Life sucks mightily without a mind, you know. My mind hadn’t always been there, in Brighton, waiting for me. If you have lost your mind, too, I can’t promise you will find it there, next to the pier, by the beach. I didn’t even go looking for it there. Instead, I imagined myself fully loosing any little control my life had had by then by taking that dip under the water. I was fully prepared to loose my mind completely, and that’s when I found it.
Well, not really, I found something else: the mind of Christ. For, during baptism, I was buried and raised with Christ. Yep, everything that had gone missing I found there, on the bottom of the sea. Dear Jesus, I was petrified to be dunked that way. Everyone had messed with my head before, leaving me worse for wear. None of the therapies and meds had truly helped. How would God fare any better? Maybe I would rise and talk funny, shaking uncontrollably? Or babble unintelligible garb?
Honestly, I don’t know what brought me to take this step. Uhm, but from then on, my mind would start to be trained. I began to listen to myriads of teaching material on apologetics. I did my Masters on mathematical Logic. I have never been clearer in my life. My spouse is a Logician as well. We train our argumentative techniques daily. It’s amazing what I found under the sea and I double dare you to go looking one day, for whatever it is you lost. It may just be resurrected in you that day, coming up from under the sea.