So sorry!

by theodotdoron

The immediate past I often wish I could redo. Today, I wish I had gotten up earlier. I wish I hadn’t been so foolish as to believe that working from home would make me enough money to live on. I wish I hadn’t postponed my exercise routine of the day. Concerning greater decisions that lie buried beneath several hundred days, there is no regret. It would mean rejecting my current situation, risking those people in them and being in danger of finding myself in a place not as suited for me and my needs. Had a career in fashion really brought the satisfaction I longed for? Had I had my big break into the modelling world twenty years ago, could I now truly say I am happy? Too many things further down the line would be endangered by a reversal of a previous decision. If I could be omniscient, then I would want to go back and change things. Since I am not, I dare to suggest that our current situation is what we are best prepared for.

Over the years I tried my hands at several things, styling, fashion design, photography, translation, to name but a few. All of them were anticipated with great joy and then led to no where. I may get the impression I am capable of absolutely nothing. Or, I can believe in a bigger story. One that may not make sense to me, but will ultimately work out for my best. I really do believe that. Just today, a great big dream of mine burst, that of working from home. I feel lost and hurt and confused. All these doors closing, and nothing opening. But it also reminded me of what I really want to do: preach! I know, most stupid and unrealistic dream. At least though, being reminded of the real dream of preaching stopped me from investing all my time crying over a supposedly lost dream that really wasn’t mine to begin with.

Hope is what spurs us on in life. But, placing hope in fleeting things is necessarily going to disappoint. After all, they too are subject to change and ultimately decay. Our hope, as it springs from an eternal heart, has to be placed into something concrete, yet eternal. To me that is Christ, the hope of glory. He is eternal, yet concrete. Not evanescent and ephemeral but real, flesh and blood. Yet, He also is infinite, He was, is, and is to come. My heart will always be disappointed by things that are finite. Imagine a gourmet cook having to test Mc Donald’s food, it will leave him disappointed. In the same way humans, with a hunger that is unending, how can the temporal and finite satisfy?

What I regret is that I regret those little short comings of mine. After all, they are often perceived to be short comings only by myself. Getting up late is not considered a crime in any country. I wish I could be kinder towards myself. I guess, He is, so I can begin to be so, too.