by theodotdoron

Well, here are the stats:

Ten years ago this time I was:

-still smoking around 20 cigarettes a day

-doing weed a good three times weekly

-doing harder drugs occasionally

-drunk around 5 nights a week, spending the day recovering from my binges

-on anti-depressants and actually, today ten years ago I was off work for severe depression-that meant:

-I could take a shower daily, that was it. There was no more strength in me for more

-I was struggling with suicidal thoughts daily

Further, I was in

-so much debt, I actually wasn’t able to continue with my apprenticeship after my time off work as I was only paid sick-leave, which nearly killed me financially

-an abusive relationship with a man who himself suffered from clinical depression and anxiety attacks.

-before being off from depression working a good 80 hours a week next to studying at night college

-a real shitty hatred-fight with my parents most of the time when we spoke

-constant soul-pain which caused me to violently cry sometimes three hours on end

Also, I looked like a punk with a shaved head and pink hair.


So, what has changed?

Today, I am

-in a loving relationship with a loving husband, something I never wanted those ten years ago, but which I am now enjoying so very much.

-completely free from drinking problems

-completely free from smoking at all, my last cigarette I smoked in 2009 around Valentines day

-completely free from smoking weed. My last joint was smoked 2005 on good friday

-completely free from doing any other shitty drugs.

-very healthy and really no longer in an obsessive relationship with food

-doing sports on a regular basis, daily for that matter

-at peace with myself most of the time

-totally free from any paranoid episodes

-in an ok place with my parents and it keeps getting better

-no longer playing with the idea of suicide, instead I imagine my future and what it will contain

-in absolute awe at the truth contained in the Gospel and how that truth is actually a person, Jesus

-having long black hair

-only crying during romantic movies

-free from anti-depressants

-writing a book

-constantly challenged to trust, love and enjoy


If I could travel back in time and meet my 2004-me, 2004-me would hate 2014-me, thinking 2014-me to be boring and oh so conventional. Thankfully, the transformation took a long time and was never forced upon me. 2014-me would know, though,upon meeting 2004-me, 2004-me’s hatred would spring from the same well of self-hatred all the other rest originated from. 2014-me would not mind being hated that way, as 2014-me knows 2014-me is loved, the one thing 2004-me didn’t. And 2014-me would not change that knowledge for anything in the world.