Well, here are the stats:
Ten years ago this time I was:
-still smoking around 20 cigarettes a day
-doing weed a good three times weekly
-doing harder drugs occasionally
-drunk around 5 nights a week, spending the day recovering from my binges
-on anti-depressants and actually, today ten years ago I was off work for severe depression-that meant:
-I could take a shower daily, that was it. There was no more strength in me for more
-I was struggling with suicidal thoughts daily
Further, I was in
-so much debt, I actually wasn’t able to continue with my apprenticeship after my time off work as I was only paid sick-leave, which nearly killed me financially
-an abusive relationship with a man who himself suffered from clinical depression and anxiety attacks.
-before being off from depression working a good 80 hours a week next to studying at night college
-a real shitty hatred-fight with my parents most of the time when we spoke
-constant soul-pain which caused me to violently cry sometimes three hours on end
Also, I looked like a punk with a shaved head and pink hair.
So, what has changed?
Today, I am
-in a loving relationship with a loving husband, something I never wanted those ten years ago, but which I am now enjoying so very much.
-completely free from drinking problems
-completely free from smoking at all, my last cigarette I smoked in 2009 around Valentines day
-completely free from smoking weed. My last joint was smoked 2005 on good friday
-completely free from doing any other shitty drugs.
-very healthy and really no longer in an obsessive relationship with food
-doing sports on a regular basis, daily for that matter
-at peace with myself most of the time
-totally free from any paranoid episodes
-in an ok place with my parents and it keeps getting better
-no longer playing with the idea of suicide, instead I imagine my future and what it will contain
-in absolute awe at the truth contained in the Gospel and how that truth is actually a person, Jesus
-having long black hair
-only crying during romantic movies
-free from anti-depressants
-writing a book
-constantly challenged to trust, love and enjoy
If I could travel back in time and meet my 2004-me, 2004-me would hate 2014-me, thinking 2014-me to be boring and oh so conventional. Thankfully, the transformation took a long time and was never forced upon me. 2014-me would know, though,upon meeting 2004-me, 2004-me’s hatred would spring from the same well of self-hatred all the other rest originated from. 2014-me would not mind being hated that way, as 2014-me knows 2014-me is loved, the one thing 2004-me didn’t. And 2014-me would not change that knowledge for anything in the world.