Ze f*@#ing onion

by theodotdoron

Oh, that landlord. He smoked so much dope that one day I found this huge block on the kitchen table wondering whether he had taken up wood carving. Silly me, as it turned out my rent money was not so well invested that way. Guess his appetite got the better of him and he started demanding twice the current rent for my stay. Needless to say, I moved out. 

London places can be tough, but mostly tiny. Sharing a flat is so common, no one flinches. I even looked at places where the so called room consists of a hall way in which the bed was placed. Yes, the other four flat mates would frequent your room constantly, mainly while using the bathroom and other such commonalities. 400 Pounds none the less.

Instead I looked at a place in a fine neighbourhood. Ninth floor, great view. Badminton court downstairs as well as a gym and even a pool. Sharing my room, which in itself was teensy, was made up by the fact that it was incredibly expensive. The interview process matched the size, though.

“Do you want a tea?”, she asked me whilst staring at the equally small tv screen. This surely was no luxury, but considering I was earning enough to live under the bridge, in a shoe box, none the less, I was not too fussy. “Yes, please, milky please”, I answered. 

It occurred to me that she was watching When Harry met Sally. Since I had nothing to do other than to return to my super high landlord who blew rings of my hard earned money into my face I decided to stay on to finish the movie. After she offered of course. 

There really was not much conversation after. No, I wouldn’t be sharing the room with her, some other chick who is never home though. “Not bad”, I thought to myself, slightly regretting that I would therefore not have the tv in my room. I would soon love letting my gaze wander over the city. In a melancholic manner, of course, whilst listening to sad British songs. 

She helped me stalk someone, to also pull the stops, gently, after realizing I was slightly insane. I would pull her out of bed when she was too depressed to go for an interview yet again. One phone conversation with her abusive mum brought all those memories back leaving her shattered for days. I mean, who comes up with so much cruelty? Are there courses for adults?

We would talk for hours at night about everything, then we would spend days avoiding each other and not talking at all. In short, a real healthy friendship. Trust me, and friendship being only hunky dory is no real friendship. Soon, we would move apart in more than one way. 

I stopped taking drugs and swearing according to her. “You stopped swearing. Every second word used to be f~ck. What happened”? I had never consciously decided to stop anything. I guess some holy force stronger than me, well, ok, I won’t bore you with what you already know about me. I believe in God who does miracles. Yep, like raising people and stuff. 

So, we remained friends, but hesitantly, after she informed my mum who soon would also come to believe that she should be worried, the changes were just too much and many. Mum soon would come to like her sober and together daughter a bit more, and even her, she would still hang out with me. And, yep, she too does believe in a God who does miracles now.

She worked with Gordon Ramsay at the time. Claridges, a fine place in the middle of London. George Clooney et al would hang out, and she would bring home the finest Gordon inspired foods. No, she was not allowed to bring home the real deal, but she would recreate those things.

Ze f*@#ing onions are needed for a yum recipe. Onion jam type. Cut an onion, cook it in balsamic vinegar and some water for quite a while. Don’t look into the pot at the start, you might die of horror. Take loads of vinegar, one third of a bottle. After about 15 minutes, add sugar, quite a bit, and caramelize for a while. It needs to remain somewhat liquidy yet not watery.

This is some kind of pickle, you can et it to almost anything. She would serve it on toast with pate, fancy schmancy stuff. I would eat it with quiche or mashed potatoes. One time she had Gordon’s sommelier over and he accompanied it all with the most amazing wine. And she served it with moussed peppers on toast. Fond memories of a fantastic person.