During my teenage years mum would suffer from bouts of depression. Depression is going way beyond sadness. There is an element of anger to it as well as complete depletion of any joy. I myself suffered from depression at times and also have spent time in a relationship with a man who has been diagnosed with clinical depression. I can tell you, depression is a b*tch!
Depression has no room for others. Guilt takes centre stage. Guilt for that matter is also the motor for addictions. Isn’t it funny how one of the things Jesus died for is for our guilt? Some would like to locate the culprit for guilt within the rational of faith, yet I find it amazing how guilt is such a huge aspect of human existence and how the cross acknowledges this.
Well, due to the precedence of another human beings feelings in several years of my life, I developed a tendency to shy away from others weaknesses. I would sense it to a degree of someone suffering from Asperger’s. Fully knowing it was there yet not wanting to deal with it. Sadness in another human being or any hint of disappointment would cause my to flinch and flee.
It is only recently that I can view other peoples weaknesses and not be intimidated by them. Marriage has shown me how. My husband is such a kind man who fully covers my failings. Recently I have noticed that I, too, can be more forgiving towards his shortcomings. Sadness in another human being no longer terrifies me.
For several years I had simply blanked the whole aspect of emotions and shied away from any kind of conflict this inevitably would bring with it. I really feel things are changing. As a kid I was probably overcharged with it, but I am no longer that person. I would come home from school and there was simply never any room for my emotions. Hers were taking up all the space.
One sentence in talking about going-ons I would hear a moan, a sigh, a disgruntled “Sorry, I just can’t handle this right now!”, followed by a stomping off into her bedroom and later tears and sobs coming from that room. These days we talk for sometimes hours on the phone. Things have not only changed for me but also for her. God is good, keep praying and believing. Amen!