by theodotdoron

Oh, dear, if there is one thing I am really good at, it’s failing. Yes, it looks as though that is the only thing I always excel at, since I do it all the time. The last few years I tried my hand at a whole bouquet of things, yet not one of them came to fruition. To the naked eye, it looks as though I am back at square one.

Oh, those days spent taking photos and imagining to have a business one day. As soon as I invested into a really expensive camera, though, it literally withered before my eyes. Prior to that I had accompanied a charity photographically for roughly two years, being exposed to all different kinds of circumstances.

Ideas concerning my future were ripe and sprouting like weeds in my imagination, yet, nothing. My first real job died down, and, afterwards, I could tell someone heavily stepping onto the breaks. Yes, those exhibitions I imagined, none of them happened. I saw myself taking application portraits of Prostitutes. For free. Just in case they would want to do something else one day.

I envisioned myself travelling and giving a voice to those without one by taking pictures. Those forgotten persons I would capture in most beautiful settings which then would be sold off and all proceeds going to charities working in the respective fields. Well, guess what? Nada!

Then I made films. Yes, editing was so much fun. I used Final Cut. Yes, I imagined making movies on hot social issues. Yes, you have guessed it: nothing. Then I made things, I sewed clothes. I came up with a collection and sourced fabric and had a mood board and thought of a distribution technique and had it all planned out. Yes, you knew, right: rien!

Dear Lord, there was the translating, the writing, the styling, the preaching, yes, you heard correctly, I preached, inside a church. Nothing came of that. I desperately need a source of income, I used every available road I imagined would lead somewhere. The latest adventure lead me down the road of imagining myself to work as a consultant.

For months I read up on everything concerning consultancy. I did online courses, I read background information on the companies, I talked to people who did this sort of thing, and, last but not least, I applied. Guess what? Nix! As far as I can remember, every door I leaned against at some point was shut firmly from inside not long after.

I guess the Vindaloo is quite spicy enough by now, but it seems to be lacking still, for so far, there is no success on the horizon. Now, Just two days ago, in church, my pastor said something interesting: he said if you are looking for that one job, just rest in Jesus.

I went for coffee with the hubs and it occurred to me that what had just happened in my mind when hearing that was the following. Instead of viewing the concoction as nothing but a spicy mess, maybe it actually will be a fine vindaloo one day. My kind of faith is that which is a momentary absence of believe in all those regular beliefs.

Its like a bump on a smooth surface, usually I get around fine in my system, expecting this that and the other, and going on as usual. And every now and then, like a mustard seed, some bump shows up on my smooth surface getting me to stop in my tracks. I begin to doubt my beliefs. Belief for me is temporary unbelief in my beliefs. There. Naan bread with that?