I am here writing about my faith, in a gut honest manner. Thanks for stopping by.
If you are interested, contact me.
I like to stay undercover for now. No, I am no spy, only lil’ ol’ me. Cyber stalking aint no fun, so I remain a little hidden for now. Please enjoy. If you are contacting me, I can send you some small trinket from my home town. Just something little, nothing big or valuable. Just for fun=)
Here is an update, am feeling slightly more safe now. I am a girl who has gone through several addictions and survived them all. I no longer smoke, drink or do drugs. Sounds like a cheap introduction, but to me there is nothing cheap about it. I spent many years at differing therapists, until I realized my soul had suffered more damage than help through it. Instead, I began to seek out friends who could help me. Saying that, I don’t want to belittle therapy and what it does, only in my case it was necessary to overcome it as that nasty habit that it had become.
As a teenager I was raped at a Christian youth camp. From then on, my life took a sudden turn from being a cheerful and popular girl to being mostly depressed, suicidal and showing signs of obsession. I dabbled into several eating disorders, had one particularly bad psychotic episode which landed me at the psych ward as a teenager, and later had me turn to drugs and drink. Throughout this, my parents were pretty helpless and busy with their own issues, which didn’t help my recovery at all, but rather prolonged it as I kept running away from them and ultimately, my life.
At a particularly bad bout of depression, one that was in part brought on by a clinically depressed boyfriend ( I write about him in a piece called “Oh boy, Benjamin”), I was drawn to church. I knew church from way back when, growing up in a church, literally, as my dad was a Pastor and missionary for most of mine, and now most of his life, too. Church, and particularly my faith, started to become real to me. I had been studying Philosophy then, and I found answers to all of lifes big questions in Christ.
It was a long and arduous process, trusting God, and getting my life sorted out. I often marvel at the nastyness of Rehab, as one is now free from the very thing which helped one to deal with the shittiness of life, and is now only left with the shittiness of life, minus the painkiller of drugs, or drink or both. The road was stony and horrid most of the time. Often I thought I wouldn’t make it. Old patterns of thinking had to be broken, and it was never that easy. Remember, my life had been a complete mess, and I was never more than a step away from being homeless, with addictions and several mental illnesses.
God proved Himself faithful though, i always say before we have believed in God He has believed in us more fully for a very long time. I was able to start taking responsibility for what I did wrong, stopped blaming others for my hiccups and thereby received help by a Saviour. Now I am at a point where I am free from most awful terrors of the past. Addictions no longer rule me, going from being drunk for most part of the week, getting stoned too many times to mentioned, and smoking around forty cigarettes a day, with the occasional harder drug thrown in, I am now free from any such urges. Even smoking has come to a halt.
However, these behaviours were just symptoms of something much worse underneath. once the symptoms came to a halt, I was faced with the personality issues that brought them on. One biggy right there was an inability to deal with conflict. Alcohol is marvellous at that. Facing things, talking about feelings, voicing discomfort, accepting being disliked and abandoned, such were the issues I had to deal with. The immense self-hatred is not all gone, but I am praying to God about it strongly. Doing sports regularly has helped me a lot, and I guess brain chemistry begins to change with the absence of a daily does of toxins such as tobacco and alcohol and weed.
Blogging sincerely helps me, too, as I feel I have something which is my own. I love the community here, and enjoy reading from all parts of the world what people enjoy and struggle with. I am hoping to inspire the odd person out there with my views on life. I must honestly say my view has been changed completely by my walk with God. If I can inspire even just one person to give Him one second glance, my work is accomplished.
So, reading my past here, rest assured it really is my past. I am really walking in freedom in most areas of my life. Speaking about past boyfriends past emotional and sexual abuse in a real manner is done in order to gain trust and credibility. Faith is not just something irrelevant, for idiots and the likes. It intervenes in your and my life. To put it another way:
The word became flesh and moved into the neighbourhood.
I am wanting to move into your neighbourhood to tell you about Jesus, the One who was, is, and is to come. Please lend me your ear. You may just gain a whole new life out of it.